Looking for some SciFy Literary Critics

I am coming to you all since I have grown to respect your knowledge and "family" attitude. I've provided a link to a post on the FallenEarth Forums where I have a short story posted. WARNING! By short I mean it is like 12 posts by me and if typed out would be 30-40 pages.

I am looking for honest opinions of the writing except for punctuation, spelling, and grammar. I ran no checks while posting and they were all done around 2 a.m. on various nights. I really want honest opnions - please. I am considering continuing on with the story outside the forums and I know exactly where I want it to go.

Please keep in mind I have left out a lot of scenic descriptions which would be includied as well as background on the world of FallenEarth. Don't be concerned with copyright infringement with FallenEarth, LLC as I am working two angles with that. I need opnions - just so I know to continue with this story or go back to my other story I was working on. Thanks.

http://forums.fallenearth.com/fallenearth/showthread.php?t=14241

Havent been able to read all of it yet but like it so far.

I do want to keep the comments herre - I don't want them posted on FE - not trying to get the post bump. I just want constructive feedback - so thanks - I know it's long - but as a book it would be another 150 pages :)

I didnt forget you. Very good story. Good story telling, good characters. Really the only issues I had were ones you don't want comments on. Just have to watch the long sentences and misplaced modifiers that can confuse story.(more of them were early on so it seems like you got it under control). Even with minimal background I got a pretty good idea of how it looked.

Thanks for the comments - I truly appreciate them. Early on I was just mucking around and then got a little bit more serious after someone sent me a p.m. complimenting me - it's the first time I have written scify. It's looking like I will have to do some complete narratives of lacations and "the world" as well as change a few things if I want to get it to book form - FallenEarth, LE isn't responding to me as far as permission - but I'll give them time. I have a lot of time to work with it. Thanks again - and I will watch the misplaced modifiers - or at least my daughter will - she was an Communications/English major and will probably proof it. Would just as soon pay her as anyone else. Thanks again

Good luck. I want to write a book. I get lots of ideas in my head for stories and characters but not so hot at the writting. Maybe if I gave up gaming and just worked on writing after work maybe I could do it.