Poetry help

Brown curls down to the shoulders
Green eyes that pierce make me want to put up a ward
I wish I had the confidence to be bolder
Knowing her would be it's own reward

A picture is worth a thousand words
These are just a few
Even though she is a dream among nerds
I hope she knows my interest is true

Not some superficial crap
From a boy who needs a tissue
I'm easy you don't need a map
Be there and we won't have an issue

Do not betray
The trust and passion I give everyday
Do that at least, and we'll be fine
Lets have a life full of dice, pixels and wine




Need a bit of help editing, refining, or just general changes

Not sure how well you know her or if you know her, but here's a slightly different spin... Brown curls down to the shoulders Green eyes that pierce through my ward(s) I now have the confidence to be bolder, Since knowing her would is its own reward. Do not betray the trust And the passion I give everyday. Do that at least, we'll be fine And have a life full of pixels and wine (obviously now need something that rhymes with 'day' here) May have more later...

This is if you are writing about her. Pixels and Wine Long brown curls gently caress her shoulders. Green eyes pierce, stopping my movement forward. I must have confidence to be bolder, Just knowing her would be it's own reward. A picture may be worth a thousand words, But I have time to utter just a few. Even though she is a dream among nerds, I hope she knows now my interest is true. Not some superficial garbage or crap From some child who may need a tissue. I'm easy to read, she won't need a map; Be there and we won't have any issue. Give to me sincerely and don't betray; Do that at least and we will be so fine, And trust and passion I'll give everyday. Let me fill her life with pixels and wine.

» Edited on: 2011-05-20 16:11:36

This would be if you are writing to her. Pixels and Wine Long brown curls gently caress your shoulders. Green eyes pierce, stopping my movement forward. I must have confidence to be bolder, Just knowing you would be it's own reward. A picture may be worth a thousand words, But I have time to utter just a few. Even though you are a dream among nerds, I hope you know now my interest is true. Not some superficial garbage or crap From some child who may need a tissue. I'm easy to read, you won't need a map; Be there and we won't have any issue. Give to me sincerely and don't betray; Do that at least and we will be so fine, And trust and passion I'll give everyday. Let me fill your life with pixels and wine.

I really like the second version

It's just much more personal since you are speaking to her and not "about" her. Subtle change makes a big difference - to me poetry should be personal. You did this when you showed your vunerability in your first verse so I just beefed it up a little. I really liked your ending... "pixels and wine" (maybe because I sometimes drink wine while I play games) and it also speaks of internet love (to me)so I used it as the title.

Yes SHE is a geek girl so dice,pixels and wine is about what we could most enjoy doing together, D&D, video games, and wine. I don't drink, but when I do, it's usually wine.

On the second version second stanza, second line is a reference to adult males acting childish and petty with blanket messages hoping to find a girl more interested in sex. The "tissue" that they need to wipe themselves up afterwards. So "child" really doesn't fit there. On a side note, I am talking to this girl through a dating site so it is relevant.

» Edited on: 2011-05-21 12:17:22

"Child" as used is referring to a childish adult - much the same way you used "boy" - either really work. I find way too often people revert to childish tendencies when it comes to matters of the heart.... waiting for the other to make a commitment... say love first .... get a gift instead of giving.... Boyish charm is sometimes an attraction - whereas childish actions in an adult very seldom are. So I tend to use child more but at my age - everyone under 30 is a mere child :) But boy would work in your case so go with what makes it "you".